Basic Influencing Skills
| ASSERTIVE | AGGRESSIVE | NON-ASSERTIVE | |
| Asking clearly for what you want without putting yourself or the other person down in any way. | Demanding what you want with little or no concern for the other person. | Reluctance to ask clearly for what you want. | |
| THOUGHTS |
We are both right from our different viewpoints. I can get what I want. I don't have to be in control. All feelings are important - mine and others. I'm not out to get anybody. I can say what I feel. People don't have to change, but I can ask them to make specific changes. |
I am right/you are wrong. I must get what I want. I must be in control. Other people's feelings are not important. I'm out to get somebody, before they get me. I am getting my own back. People must change/be different. |
I am wrong. I'll never get what I want. I'm not in control. I must take care of other people's feelings. Somebody is out to get me. I'll get my own back (some day) I can't change. |
| FEELINGS | Confidence, together with specific use of all other feelings. | Arrogance, together with non-specific use of anger, indignation, self-righteous- ness, irritation, cynicism, sarcasm, etc. |
Lack of confidence, together with recurring feelings such as: Depression, Helplessness, Fear, Anxiety, Hurt, Guilt, Embarrassment, Shame, Inadequacy. |
| BEHAVIOURS | Direct, open, steady but not staring eye-contact, grounded, relaxed, firm clearer voice, expressing all feelings as appropriate, including self-doubt and anger. | Glaring, severe eye-contact, clenched fists, put-downs, judgmental, sarcastic, threats, accusations, clipped, interrupting, looking down, relentlessly demanding. | Downcast, slumped, avoiding, eye-contact, round shoulders, pleading, apologetic, nervous gestures. Hesitant, giggly, moaning, rambling, procrastination, dumb insolence, manipulation, compromising. |
|
"I think ..." "I feel ...." "I want ...." Moving towards. |
"You
must ......"
"There is no alternative ..." Moving against. |
"I
wonder if ....."
"You'll probably think I'm silly, but ...." Moving away. |
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